Am I At Fault?

“PLEASE!”

This was the only word that mattered to me at that moment. Her facial expression was new to me. Her eyes were watery and she seemed to be on the verge of crying out. When she said that simple word, I was paralyzed on my feet and I know I had no choice but to let her go.

She was a jolly person. She was like the sun, overflowing with brightness. She don't even realize that she is a source of light for some people who experience the dark. I am so thankful that she is my room mate. She inspires me and I admire her although I never told her.

She was adept in saying “please”. She often say the word when borrowing or requesting for something. She also uses the word as an expression of indignation when she was telling stories... Telling stories... But today was different. She wasn't telling a story. We were not in our room. This time, it is not her story only, but our story.

It was the sportsfest. We belong to the blue team. It was the last game. This game was so important to us because it will decide on who will be the champions for this year's sports festival. We were currently on second place. It was a make or break because if we lose this game, we might not be held as champions.

The game consists of five players. She was one of the players of our team. It was a game which involves water. The goal was for each set of players from each team to fill a pail up to the brim by wetting their clothes one by one from the other side of the field then squeezing the water out of it to the designated pail for each team. Each player should only wear one clothing of each kind e.g. one shirt, one pants, one pair of underwear. Only shirts are allowed. No long sleeves or jackets. This was a controversial game. We weren't allowed to take pictures because if the players wanted to take it all off and soak it with water, they have their freedom.

She borrowed my shirt because my shirt was so big. Its sleeves were reaching my elbows and its length was up to my thigh. So, we exchanged shirts. The players all took off their pants and just depended on their big shirts for the covering of their body. Well, I personally think that's fine. The shirts had served their purpose. They were like wearing dresses that time, very short dresses.

And so, the game started. There was a voice inside me saying we needed to win this game. I always reminded everyone that this is our last chance to be the champions. And as the game started, I know that I was not the only one who wanted to win badly. The players were all doing their best. However, it was already the third time for each player to traverse the field but the water of our pail was just near half way to the brim. Our team mates were telling the players to take off their shirts to soak it in water also but I think, for the sake of dignity, they don't need to do that. If I was one of them, I wouldn't take it off even though I badly wanted to win.

Then there was a shortage of water supply from the other side of the field. This was the only thing I can do, I will help in refilling the containers where they soak their clothes. As I refill our container with water, she was now the one soaking her clothes. And I was shocked with what I saw. She had done it, for the sake of winning. Three out of our five players had done it. This was beyond my expectations. Yes, we really wanted to win badly, I told myself.

After a while, somebody told me that we're done so I stopped refilling our water containers and approached our team to ask them if we had achieved victory.

“Sinong nanalo?”

“Tayo! Nauna tayo sa kanila.”

Yes! I can't believe this! We had won! We did it! We were all rejoicing for our sweet victory. I wanted to hug the players but they were all so wet with water, some with mud. Then, there was the announcement of the winners.

“...Next is blue. Then, red ang nanalo.”

Wait lang. Akala ko ba tayo? There was a sudden uproar of disagreement and unfairness from our team. Everyone was saying that we were the first one who filled the pail up to the brim, even overflowing. Honestly, I had no opinion about it. I didn't witness how we won. I cannot comment on something I don't know. I was actually telling them that it was fine. We should give chance to the red team. They were on the last place before the start of the game. However, she spoke. She said something I can't remember. What struck me is that she was in tears. She did her best, I thought. I hugged her that time. No complains. I told her it's all right. Then somebody told me that if we don't win this game, we can't make it to the top. The yellow team was ahead of us. It acted like a stimulant. I wanted to win. I listened to the pleas. We had three witnesses. And, we argued about our situation. Someone from the other team confirmed our side. And I thought we had won the battle. But I was wrong. We can't make them believe that we really finished the game first. Then, they were telling us that it was fine because, adding the scores, we actually made it to the top.

I didn't immediately get that last part. I approached her because she was planning to walk-out of the place. She just came back to ask me for a key.

“Di ka dapat umalis.”

Somebody at her side agreed with my statement and told her the same thing. She didn't reply. I think she was looking at the key on my pants. I was facing her that time and I think I held her near the shoulder or not. Whatever.

“Ano ka ba? Winners never quit!”

Then, I felt her frustration overpowering her.

“Hindi ako nagku-quit!”

I didn't expect that answer. I nearly told her, 'then what do you call your process of walking-out?'. But I know that it would not improve the situation. I'd better hold my tongue. While still facing her, I asked the one beside her if we will reach the top even if we don't win this game. She told me, we will. I talked to her again.

“ 'Wag kang umalis. Okay lang yan. First pa din tayo! 'Wag ka nang magwalk-out. Ano ka ba?”

For a fraction of a second, I saw her eyes swarming in tears. I can't remember if she was looking at me and she said...

“PLEASE!”

This was the only word that mattered to me at that moment. Her facial expression was new to me. Her eyes were watery and she seemed to be on the verge of crying out. When she said that simple word, I was paralyzed on my feet and I know I had no choice but to let her go.

Part of me wanted to run after her and comfort her but something kept me from doing it. I was rooted on the spot where she left me. Everyone was looking at her and I, too, gazed at her until she disappeared. Again, there were arguments but I did not participate. I was wondering where she was about to go. She had no key. Where would she stay? Outside the room? I waited for the matter to be settled before I finally decide to follow her. I looked for her friend. I was half expecting that someone might have followed her and comforted her but no one did. I asked her friend to accompany me. I was quite afraid of her. Just apologize, I told myself.

We went to my room. She was sitting there near our room. I approached her and said sorry several times. She didn't say anything in reply. That was expected. Her bangs were covering her eyes which were blood shot red and again, I saw tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. She wiped them with her hands. I sat in front of her and touched her cheeks. I took it as a good sign that she did not take my hands off. One palm on each cheek, I apologized again. No reply. She was soaking wet.

“Gusto mong mag-shower? Tara mag-shower na tayo. Basang-basa ka oh. Baka magkasakit ka pa.”

I didn't expect a reply. I already know she wouldn't, anyway. I stood up, opened our room and entered. She also entered after a while. She got a towel and clothes to change. She grabbed her soap case and went out of the room without another word. I heaved a sigh.

Since we won the sportsfest, we should celebrate. I asked our team mates to celebrate on our room because she might not come if it was somewhere else. It was intended to be a surprise. Nearly the whole team was on the room when she finished showering. She was smiling. I counted up to three and we sang her a happy birthday although it wasn't her birthday. That was supposed to be funny. Well, she laughed. I felt that my load was lighter. Each of us introduced ourselves. When it was my turn, I acknowledged her as my room mate. I looked into her eyes but immediately looked away again. Her gaze seemed to be swallowing me. She also acknowledged me as her room mate and I thought that it was as if nothing happened except that we can't directly look into each others' eyes. The celebration has ended and I thought that we were fine now.

I didn't try to open the topic. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I won't risk the 'development' that she was talking to me again. Maybe tomorrow but not now. I haven't figured out the words to tell her. I don't want to lose the friendship. But, is this the right thing to do?

Part of me was telling that I am not at fault. I tried to help her but she was just so immature to accept my help so she just walked out of the place. Part of me was insisting that I sometimes need to bare with her. She's a friend, after all. But, she needed to mature, right? I shouldn't tell her the words she wanted to hear. I should tell her the words she needed to hear. I took it as a challenge from God to tell her to mature, as something to conquer. I missed her.

When she woke up next day, everything had changed. She wasn't talking to me again. Ugh. Whatever. I said goodbye as she had gone to close the door. She said a soft goodbye too, without looking at me. It was awkward. But I can do it. God is with me. I guess. LOL. No one can be against me. Hopefully, she would realize what she had done. Well, I also had my mistakes. I did not put myself into her shoes. I should have considered her efforts more. She gave it her all. She was the first one to take it all off from our team. No one might have done it if she didn't. I approached her wrongly. I was deeply sorry. We weren't on the same boat and I knew I hurt her. I need to fix this friendship because if I wouldn't, no one would. Oh, I hope she will. LOL. That was a joke.